First rejection.

The first rejection letter came in the form of NUS. Well i would say i am not surprised to get rejected by them. my grades aren't good and my application to NUS was half-assed. I would say, it hurts but not as much. I wouldn't say the same for NTU and SMU though. I could pretty much breakdown if i receive a rejection from any of them.

Honestly i am just tired of hoping and wanting, cos from where i was brought up, when you hope for and want stuff, things do not go your way. You just work hard and pray things go well.

Depressed.

No news is good news... i guess.

Everyday has turned out to be a waiting day. But i guess no news is good news for now. "the universities are still deciding on my entry" is all i can tell myself now. am really jealous as balls of all my friends that got a placing there. really wish i could have an interview call too.

In other news, that guy has been an ungrateful motherfucker since his first incident with the loan shark cleared and he is bullying brother like nobody's business.i really hate his guts.

Need to start pulling more weight for the relationship. Just when i thought things are great between us. but i have a good feeling i wont be letting her go. ever.  This has taught me i really need to do what i promise. it's really a bad habit of mine. gah.

Feelings really are complicated business.

Another hello.

Hello my little page to shout at.
Am feeling pretty depressed about le home. Mom is struggling and is becoming too afraid to face another shock or set back now. It really is a series of unfortunate events. The man has puffed up his balls and return to his old douche methods. Screaming at anyone and bullying brother.
I pray that he will never move in with us and i am hoping the new house comes. Sis and i will support ourselves. or at least we try. we can have a small little happy home. Yes mom's marriage may be screwed but at least we are happy.

I wish i had more money. i really wish i had.

humans should sometimes revolve a little more around the world, instead of constantly making the world revolve around them. we just need the balance and people to agree that we are balanced

I have been through it.

Loads of thoughts have been going through my head. For some reason each time i am working, my brain reminds me of my current status, unwanted by all the universities i have applied so far. With national service round the corner it is a reminder that i don't have time left. I desperately want a letter of acceptance. I just need the interview. I need this break.

I have been through the feeling of loneliness, never really feeling part of a group no matter how hard i try. I tried giving love as much support as i could regarding her problem and than i ask myself what would i have done in her situation. Would i even have the courage to step up and say "hey i feel @#@#@#@ about this matter" Maybe the advices i give is a self actualization to what kind of person i feel i should be, This is something i should work on. Being able to speak my mind without fear.

The need to stay relavent.

Work was tiring today. I have been pretty absent minded recently due to the lack of sleep. The red letter finally came. Will be enlisting on the 13th of August. A mix of feelings filled my head when i read the letter, first came the fear of uncertainty - Army was never my thing, i really did not know what to expect. Dinner with Ye Hua and Hui Min reminded me that in army i may never have time for my friends without sacrificing family and my love. The media does influence minds, and "Ah Boys To Men" is definitely not a good show for couples going through NS. I have decided that i will do my best and enjoy myself in this 1 year 10 months.

Feelings were hurt today.

Twenty never again.

There, i have been alive for almost two decades. It is a scary thought how fast a journey it has been. It still felt like yesterday how i let go of grandma's hand to walk alone in Punggol primary. Looking back at my poly life through my past blog post. Mindsets has been changed.

I shall use this as a medium of self reflection and be more aware of my inner thoughts. Introvert much, but yes.
Shall make it a habit to blog more often and more positively.

5 Good things that are happening to me now

1) I am healthy and alive.

What's better than a healthy body?

2) I have enough money to support myself.

The job at Uniqlo is making ends meet, and i got better clothes to wear now. Can't complain.

3) Mom is making ends meet, the family is still surviving

 There is not a day where i wanna kick that guys ass out of the house, soon. but mom just needs to support brother and herself as wells as the bills. We can survive if everyone works hard.

4) I have a loving girlfriend.

She may have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. She may have her flaws and huge amount of disagreements, but not a day goes by where i don't love her more and more. 

5) I have good friends.

I am still in touch with 7.s , the Steadys, Salabueys, Sherrie, Tzu Ying. Not to mention Best friend Ghimchoon, and childhood friend Ye hua and Hui min.

Heads up Kel, the next phrase of your life is coming soon. Yes i can be more positive.

I want to study.

Give me the reason of life please. It's getting meaningless.

Somewhere i belong.

I just want to be normal. Where i can talk without having my intentions questioned. Where i can actually feel part of the group when i give a fuck about your issues. Not being laughed at when i cant articulate properly.

This is a group of friends that bring me down on a daily basis. Make me tired of school. And maybe just maybe i definitely don't want to stay in contact.

Further

Still can't trust them after three years.

The power of peer pressure is overwhelming.

And that is why shit always happens to you.

I guess i should continue with the mindset that my application isn't successful. It will reduce the disappointment should i fail to get in.

Need a break

More clothes. more awkward moments. more tiredness. i need a big break. just let me get what i want for a change. i need a break. i find my own retarded-ness funny at times

Grades fucking grades

I cant say i wasn't expecting a B for my first stopover. But now i am starting to worry how will i get an A for my current stopover.
So much time was spent swimming around in a field i am completely helpless in. Design.

School has become a warzone in a mad rush for grades.

Isn't a school a place to reward learning? Am tired of all these shit seriously.. I really need a big break soon

Jan

Maybe just maybe. I hoped you'd have a personality i'd love to care for.